This article is obviously satire, but if Viacom has a problem with it, I dare them to sue me. That would make my day. – TB

A Little Background

The other day, I happened upon a conversation with a dude from the grocery store.  He looked like he was about my age, and was wearing a “Double Dare“ T-Shirt, (Most likely from Hot Topic, because it looked like it was 2 sizes too small).  It didn’t take long for our discussion to turn to growing up with Nickelodeon, and eventually degenerate into a lot of tears and hugging, pining for the innocent days of our youth.   Let me explain.

Nickelodeon was without a doubt at its peak from the late 80′s up to the mid 90′s.  Unfortunately, there’s no arguing with this fact.  If you disagree, then you are wrong.  And for my generation, who grew up in this formidable time, it certainly shaped us in a way that no other generation was able to benefit from.  Why the current crop of kids have to be raised on countless reruns of Spongebob Squarepants and Dora The Explorer is beyond me.  Especially when Nick has such a gigantic backlog of fine programming, that they could literally, at 15 hours of programming a day, broadcast one episode from each of their shows, back to back, for six days straight without repeating the same series twice.  It’s true!

Who’s Fault Is This?

Who deserves to have the finger of blame pointed at them?  None other than the corporate owner of Nickelodeon, Viacom International!  Viacom hates each and every one of us.  Viacom wants you to die.   They want me to die.  They want your puppy to die, so they can videotape it and air it on MTV.  There’s no question in my mind that Viacom hates you, no matter who you are.  And so, here are my top ten reasons why I believe so.

1. As I said earlier, if you grew up as a fan of Nickelodeon, Viacom hates you.  Sure, they created hundreds of hours of quality entertainment, but then they replaced it with countless repeats of inferior shows, and made a vow to never let their loyal fans see any of the shows that they grew up with.  Not to mention the fact that around the turn of the century, they began turning the network into a simplified version of MTV.   Remember “Slime Time Live?”  Remember the music videos?  At the time, I questioned why Nickelodeon needed music videos, and nowadays, it still makes no sense.   Viacom could make lots of money by making the classic shows that we grew up with readily available, but surprisingly enough, money doesn’t motivate them.  They are motivated by their hatred for me and you.
2. And speaking of MTV, If you’re a music lover, Viacom hates you.  In 1985, Viacom acquired MTV, and eliminated virtually all of the music on it within 2 decades.  Even TRL, which at least resembeled a tv show about music, was cancelled in 2008.  MTV will occasionally play music videos at the very early hours of the day, but a handful of hours a week, when nobody is watching is not nearly enough coverage for people to discover new music.  However, Viacom doesn’t want you to discover new music at all.  They prefer that MTV gives coverage to artists that you don’t like, because they hate you.
3. Touching on Nickelodeon once more, Viacom felt it necessary to press charges against Google in an effort to suppress highly popular media, only to release 3 DVD sets.   Since during their string of acquisitions, they came into the possession of the all seeing Eye of Sauron, they were aware of all of the clips being uploaded to Youtube, but held off taking legal action until it was… survey says?  Potentially Profitable.  Because after all, why go after a website before they begin generating revenue?   If you enjoy watching clips on Nick shows on the internet, Viacom hates you.  And it has absolutely nothing to do with money.
4. Around the turn of the century, Viacom felt it necessary to take TNN, and squeeze all of the country Music out of it, much like a lemon.  So if you are a country music fan, Viacom hates you.  With their unlimited resources, Viacom could have easily created a new channel, instead of eating the soul of TNN, and replacing it with Spike TV.  TNN was one of the few places you could go for old school country music, due to CMT, (Another Viacom channel) pushing their newer generation of metrosexual pretty boys and teenage blonde females.  Note that I don’t have anything against metrosexuals, but country music used to be a lot more rough around the edges before Viacom stepped in and changed the face of it.  Gone are the days of Hank Williams, Willie Nelson, and Johnny Cash.  If they had been born into this generation, they wouldn’t stand a chance of being accepted into the mainstream country music scene.
5. It doesn’t even matter if you are trying to right the so called wrongs that you may have committed in the past.  Thanks to the previously mentioned lawsuit, Viacom now has the information of every single person who uploads or watches their content on YouTube, and will be sending assassin ninjas to dispatch them.   Beware, for once you start down the path of enjoying Viacom programming, you may end up on the wrong side of the law.  If you so much as enjoy watching clips of Viacom shows on the internet, Viacom hates you.
6. If you’re black, then you should consider Viacom, or should I say, Viakkkom as your mortal enemy.  Viacom is responsible for taking hip hop from a peaceful outlet for poetic expression and turing it into what it is today.  Before Viacom made it profitable to be a violent thug, hip hop used to be an alternative to violence.  This transistion happened very quickly.  As recently as the early 90’s saw hip hop used as a way for the inner city to battle without actually hurting each other.   Acquiring BET with the intent of sucking the nectar out of it, and taking it back to MTV to make honey.
7. If you feel that network programming has been toned down considerably, and that you have the right to watch what you want to in your own home, then Viacom hates you.  Viacom owns CBS, which was the network of 2004’s Super Bowl, and they also own MTV, who was responsible for the halftime show.  They single handedly orchestrated the entire Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction from start to finish in a fiendish plot to eliminate entertaining media that they don’t dictate, such as Howard Stern and Bubba The Love Sponge, as well as making the rest of Television less entertaining.  You can thank Viacom for all of that because they hate you.
8. If you have little kids, and a little bit of disposable income, Viacom hates you.  They have spawned evil succubae such as Dora The Explorer with the perceived do-gooder notion of teaching kids spanish, while selling them endless amounts of merchandise… because they want you to be broke.  It’s definitely not because they NEED the money.  There’s not enough room on this page to list all of the Dora merchandise currently being peddled to little kids but have a look here.
9. They generated $13.423 Billion during the year of 2007, but didn’t give you any of it.  After all, it’s only human nature to hate everyone who has a better life than you do, and believe me… they do.  Of course, they got this successful by producing entertaining media for people like you, but they don’t do it out of love.  On the contrary, they hate you.
10. And last, but not least, they acquired Paramount due to their working relationship with Tom Cruise, with a sinister agenda to bump his acting salary intensely, thus being directly responsible for his increasing detachment from reality, and leading to the ultra depressing fact that you’ll never have a chance to get with Katie Holmes.  So if you have ever had late night fantasies about Katie Holmes, Viacom hates you.  Because after all, you could be watching one of their many 24 hour networks instead of fantasizing.

Oh No!!!!

So in closing, there’s simply no hope. At this point, a boycott wouldn’t even be effective, because Viacom could choose to kill us all if they chose to. There is no escape. At best, you can hope for a painless form of execution. It’s going to happen, one way or another because Viacom hates you, and they’re only becoming more and more powerful.