I am currently in the process of getting over a bad case of the blues that has stifled my productivity for the better part of a month. Yeah, I battle bi-polar disorder and the occasional bout of clinical depression, but I have also chosen not to deal with it in the same way that a lot of other people do. I don’t go onto Facebook or Twitter to whine and complain about my life. I choose not to be “emo” about it.
So with that in mind, when I come onto my website to tell you about it, I’m not looking for sympathy or answers… I’m just telling you this in an effort to be transparent. It’s the demon that I deal with. I pour my heart out in the track “Doctor, Help Me!”. I’ve been on several anti-depressants, and none of them have helped me… at least in a way that made my life better, not worse. Some of the pills would prevent me from being depressed, but they would also prevent me from being happy as well.
On the subject of pills, I don’t want to be the poster child for people with bi-polar who don’t take medication. The decision to medicate or not to medicate is strictly the decision for each person to make, and should not be made lightly. In my case, I am not suicidal, and if I ever have one single suicidal thought, I will immediately seek medication. If you’re bi-ploar, and are unable to cope with it, you should seek professional help in some form or another… and I don’t count because I am NOT a professional… but I digress.
This depression of mine has affected my projects in a profound way. “Look Out” has been pushed back indefinitely. It was supposed to be released in May, but has yet to come out. (It’s almost done though, by the way). “Butchers of Seven” has definitely been affected. It’s still scheduled to start on 11/11/11, but not in the way that I had originally affected it. I’ve also been working on projects that are related to ARay, Killa4Hire Tha Body Snatcher, Molly Gruesome, and Miss Murderous, that have been delayed. This is the most agonizing part of the depression, the cold hard fact that my demons affect other people and hurt my reputation. It’s a vicious cycle, and only makes me more depressed.
I don’t want to go into details of what triggered my current bouts of depression, but I will briefly discuss how I’m starting to come out of it. I’ve had a few epiphanies, and have had what alcoholics refer to as a “moment of clarity”.
- Most people have little interest in helping me with my projects. I need to give them a reason… I need to give them a selfish reason, such as money or fame… otherwise I will continue to be stood up by 99% of the people who offer to help me.
- For this reason, I need to stop focusing on collaborations with other people. If I had spent 2010 and 2011 working alone… like I did in 2009, I’d probably be successful by now.
- At this point in my life, I need to stop accepting “help” from well meaning people who aren’t ready to immediately contribute… without my input.
I’ve done a lot of pro-bono work, and work for incredibly cheap… and where has it gotten me? It has actually HURT my reputation, because the type of people who accept pro-bono and cheap work tend to have unrealistic expectations. Maybe it’s just my medium, videography… but they expect me to be able to produce broadcast quality work… for bargain basement prices. Not to mention that for the projects that I was paid for… they didn’t even amount to minimum wage!
So, after dealing with this depression, I have come to the difficult truth that I am on the wrong path in my career… by FAR. Despite what I thought, I am not “paying my dues”, I’m WASTING MY TIME. So from now on, I am going to choose to stop wasting my time. I reached out and offered my positive energy to the universe, and it got me nowhere. For now, I guess the answer is to selfish for a little while, until I am in a better position to have things that other people will want from me. Maybe then, someone will be willing to assist me…